Like this:

Against a serene Hawaii backdrop and a soundtrack of kissing noises, the penultimate week of Fox’s foray into the land of the large, More to Love, transpired. This was the most emotional, intimate, and kind of creepy episode of the series yet. Uninteresting as the content of this week was, I found myself captured by the action as if I were watching a soap opera or a car crash on the other side of the highway. I keep waiting for the twist that would shock me and disrupt the foregone conclusion that Luke will propose to Mal”Loose Lips and Hips Sink Dolphins”issa. Alas, not even Fox editing in the previews can sway my faith at this point: next week, Malissa will be on the road to becoming the first Fatchelorette.

The opening of the episode surprised me, because Fox treated the change of scene to Hawaii casually and almost appropriately with a montage of Hawaii’s natural beauty. Perhaps I have become jaded about reality TV shows that travel abroad after years of watching Tyra tell the girls “WE’RE GOING TO HOLLAND” and animating their transatlantic flight and advertising of the local airport. Then we get this shot,

Surfer Bod...with a Paddle?

which is awkward because of its focus on the chiseled abs of  man riding a locomotive device that Luke would certainly sink. And then we cut to a shot of Luke’s inflated stomach.

Awkwardly, Luke has arrived separately and before all the girls (implication: he needs his own private jet to contain his 300-pound self?) We see him looking out at the symbolic endless possibilities of the ocean that Danielle cooed about oh so long ago just a day before her possibilities were, in fact, quite finite.

The final three, Malissa, Tali, and Mandy, pull up to the hotel, decked out in festive and mildly offensive island garb. The opening moments of the episode delve deep into Hawaii’s rich and ancient culture with a tribal ceremony and leis and pinacoladas.

How cultured.

Luke, unfortunately, does not seize on the entendre of “lei’d,” probably out of excitement for the buffet. To digest the group grinds it out to traditional Hawaiian music, with Luke bending over and seemingly expecting the girls to switch gender roles and molest his butt. Fortunately, not even Malissa obliges.

There are no group dates this episode, and Malissa goes first because he’s just that horny. Malissa tells us how sweet Luke is, how wonderfully he “looks at me, holds my hand, loves my curves,” “or at least he’s like that with me.” In the span of one episode she seems to have mastered the art of subtlety in her cruelty. This episode also afford her the unique opportunity not to hate on the other girls, because we never see them interacting in the hotel (being waterboarded by Fox staff? Being forced to play drinking games by Fox staff?)

Luke takes Malissa to a water park to play with dolphins. Two images pained me here: first, go see the Cove and you will never look at captive dolphins the same again; second, the image of the two on their date embodies American theme park:

Wait, Are We in Orlando Right Now?

After making some obligatory remarks about Malissa’s hot bod and her kind soul, “She loves animals. She loves doing adventure stuff,” he muses. He’s clearly trying to backtrack from last week when it was discovered that she hates her nephew. More importantly, Luke and Malissa exhibit their horniness when they’re turned on by some sea lions. The brunt of this episode, however, is about Luke and his big fat feelings.

He spends the majority of their date stressing about whether she likes him in a very Michael Cera vulnerable moment. “I need to know whether or now she’s in this for love or if she’s in it to win it.” Awkward, athlete movie phrase aside, is this a normal fear of Bachelor men? Or is he now realizing the girl is on your D the soonest is probably the least interested in love? “I’m the first 300 pound man you’ve been with,” he acknowledges over sushi (diet strategy?) Again, is he worried that his weight will mean he can’t be on top? “I feel like I could propose to you and I don’t want ot be hurt.” Luke is saving these monologues for Malissa and no one else. “I feel like maybe you have the most potential to break my heart.” See? Feelings! “At this point I think Malissa could be the one.”

Malissa actually comes off as sweet and soft in this episode, probably because she’s not talking except to say “we get lost in each other’s eyes” or “Luke is mine.” For the most part, however, the silence is like radon and not gold: creepy and uncomfortable. The absence of diegetic sound is clearly intended to make us privy to their make outs, but I don’t need that.

Now it’s Tali’s turn to put the Jew moves on. “All I needed to forget Malissa was to see Tali walking down the beach.” Can’t wait for husband and wife Luke and Malissa to watch this together! Tali is randomly and deathly afraid fo water? She is able to compose herself enough, despite her fear, to remind herself of the cardinal bathing suit rule: “suck it in” I’m skeptical that Tali was able to overcome a fear as all-encompassing as water.

Luke eats it up but is the xenophobic American with his skepticism about Tali’s Israeli parents and/or Judaism: “Tali is not the easy choice, but I have feelings for Tali that I’ve never had for any other woman.” He also used hand-holding as a seeming metaphor for sex, as implied by the many close ups on the intertwining of his hands with Tali’s and Malissa’s. They also share in a steamy hot tub session, with Luke sporting a foam yarmulke in a show of support for Tali:

Put on your yarmulke and celebrate Hanukkah

After the unconsummated sexual build ups with Malissa and Tali, Luke’s date with Mandy is quite the letdown. He claims he is “worried about Mandy cracking,” a charitable thought for the emotionally fraught fitness trainer. This, however, does not stop him from inviting her to have some rocky boat sex, “I think you wanna stay out here with me tonight, and enjoy the stars.” And, before ATV riding, Luke worried about exceeding the weight limit of the steps. Is there anything that CAN support this man?

Luke chooses Tali before Malissa in a surprise move, sending Mandy home at long last. Before he announces his decision, Luke makes the best weight comment of the whole season with, “I have to make a serious decision and it’s weighing so heavily on me.” You can’t script that brilliance.

As we see Mandy be taken away, it vaguely looks like the limo, alone on the beach highway, is going to drive her off the cliff, especially as she wails “I just feel lost. I feel really lost.” Why do I have all these suicidal thoughts??

Next weeks promises to be full of organza, grilling, and anti-semitism. A most unlikely of trios, befitting of the More to Love season finale for sure.