In the immortal words of Lewis Carroll and Rosie O’Donnell from Harriet the Spy, “the time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things…” Or was it a cow?
I see you humans exploiting fat people and I disapprove
This bovine friend introduces us to the finale of More to Love, in which Luke chose between the exotic, mail order bride appeal of Tali the Israeli and the trashy, one night stand appeal of Malissa the Hooters waitress (not confirmed, and unlikely given the discrimination against fat waitresses as explored so thoughtfully on Drop Dead Diva). Luke takes his sweet time to decide, drawing the finale out into a behemoth two-hour event. I guess it’s reasonable for me to commit two hours to the show that single-handedly made my summer and my blogging career.
Luke introduces to his simultaneously blue-collar and farm (see picture above) town of Santa Maria, California. “I’ve been to so many exotic places,” he muses as he expounds on the virtues of coming home. I’m not sure the Marriott Hawaii counts as exotic, no matter how many exotic dancers you import from Disneyworld’s Tiki Room.
Before taking the girls to meet his family, Luke reflects on his eight weeks on the More to Love compound with the girls. In a blurry edged retrospective, Luke recalls Malissa’s “smoking body” and his realization that she is a “very deep person.” Too bad she spends a good portion of the episode sucking up to his parents or applying make up.
We learn for the first time that Luke’s parents are divorced, a surprisingly telling revelation. I’m allowed to psychoanalyze him like this because I myself am a child of divorce, so here goes: Luke’s “beso” act back in the pilot episode comes from his need to feel desired and to feel like he is in control of his own fate. He probably rebelled against his parent’s divorce by hooking up with random biddies in high school in order to experience moments of strong sexual and therefore inherently emotional connection. In those moments, he is hopeful that he has met the one, that he will live happily ever with this broad even though he can’t see her face because he’s grinding up on her or because she refuses to kiss on the mouth like a good prostitute. The next morning, the illusion is gone, and Luke pretends to be okay with it but in all honesty he’ll dream about her all through college and refer to her as his girlfriend in conversations about past loves. He goes through the rest of his life lonely, holding onto a dream, until he sees an advertisement on divorcesupport.com seeking adult, overweight males for a Fox reality TV show. The rest, as they say, is history.
The first shot of Luke’s father and brothers shows primitive man congregating around the fire and some fresh meat.
Is it Kosher beef?
The implication of this image, that Luke’s family don’t give a rat tail about Tali’s culture’s dietary restrictions and that they intend to prod and slice her up with inexpensive steak knives, is an accurate summation of Tali’s interaction with the family. “I hope that they’ll be understanding of how I feel about Tali,” says Luke. I object to the use of “understanding” because its connotation is one of sympathy and pity, when in fact they should be supportive of his landing such a dime piece. After this episode, I’m going to lobby the FCC for a separation of TV and religion, because the discussions of Judaism and Christianity are horrifyingly uninformed. Luke’s grandmother takes Tali aside (gender stereotypes abound!) so the boys can drink mugs of beer, and, when Tali tells Grandma she’s a child of Zion, Grandma replies, “Oh. Okay.” G-ma, you lived through some part of World War II. Show a little respek. Luke’s dad also makes a point to tack, “in Jesus name, amen,” onto grace.
Also seen on America's Most Wanted
For Malissa’s preliminary date, aka Luke’s chance to get out all his sexual tension before going to his dad’s house, she whoops his pancake ass in pool. Malissa reiterates that she is competitive in all aspects of life, with a subtext that she is competitive about love and that Luke is merely a contest to be won. So sad.
Sexy eyes make it all better
They celebrate with two pizzas, and Fox celebrates the pizzas with two close ups:
Hungry?
Malissa becomes the darling of Luke’s father, a seeming voyeur to his son’s televised romantic life. “You’re head and shoulders above the rest,” Luke’s dad tells her in their first broadcasted conversation. Is it politically correct to refer to Tali as “the rest?” Is he referring to the nation of Israel collectively? “I absolutely love Malissa,” he goes on. “She’s just a piece of the puzzle that’s been missing.” While Tali brought a cake to the dinner, Malissa repudiates her fatty girl image and brings fresh flowers. “His family had such high regards for me,” Malissa says. I gave you no right to use my middle name in your sentence.
We then return to the More to Love, where Malissa stomps around with her Sweet’n'Low coffee (really? At least get Splenda) and acts like Tali is the hobo she took in. “I was not looking forward to sharing this room with you. Ugh, why I do I have to share?” Guess someone played too much princess/slaves with her sisters as a child. Fortunately, the tyranny of Malissa gives way to the sycophancy of Malissa when Luke’s mom shows up for a surprise visit (Luke’s mom is kind of hot for an old lady and rocks the Hillary pantsuit). I also like Luke’s mom because she asks the question that every viewer of More to Love ever has Googled: why did you decide to be on More to Love?
Tali’s answer should earn her an honorable mention for the Real Miss America: she’s committed to “showing people that love comes in all shapes and sizes” and to putting “that message out that there’s love for everybody.” Tali also talks about how she, as a model (Anna unfairly took the model niche. Tali’s beauty is underappreciated), wants to be a good model for teenagers. She’ll be the new Jewish Tyra. Malissa’s answer is, as you would expect, less profound: “For me, I did it on a whim. I got caught up in the excitement, and now I’m definitely one of the main characters (this is not a Tennessee Williams play, Malissa). I did it for the experience.”
Both girls get final dates to plead their cases to Luke. The setting for Malissa’s date looks like someone killed Hello Kitty and exploded her clothes all over an outdoor restaurant. Malissa restrains herself and tells him, “You’re such an amazing man. I feel so privileged to know you.” On the other hand, Tali tells Luke that “This was all (breath) Worth (breath) It” and hints at her libido through a subtitle:
Saving herself for a goy
The episode drags like Provincetown after these dates, as we follow Luke’s day to the proposal. As he wakes up, the whiny song in the background, “I don’t want you to goooo,” was particularly excellent. The proposal is also delayed by Luke’s trip to the jeweler (SoCal product placement!) and his conversation with the host, Emme. Who is she, Andy Cohen from Bravo?? The thing I hate about the Bachelor format is there is not only the primary question of whom will he choose but also will she say yes. The chance of her saying no is just such a long shot that to introduce the possibility is excessively teasing.
Against all odds, Luke rejects Malissa. With all odds, it’s because his mama doesn’t like her. When he tells her “I have to let you go,” it sounds like he’s kicking an addiction, which he probably is since they’ve been making out since episode one and she wears a lot of lip gloss. Of Tali, Luke declares to us that “she and I could change the world together.” Luke acts like he is revolutionizing the social landscape by marrying someone outside of Christianity. Oh, Fox. This, however, is overshadowed by the insincerity of bringing up her weight in the final moments of the show. She just got proposed to by the love of her life, and all she can think about is how she used to get insulted by Israeli clubbers who spurned her because they couldn’t see how hot her face is. Must be an un-American thing. Despite these moments of moral ambiguity and social commentary, we witness a five minute polite kiss before sex kiss and two twirls. Fox probably plans to create a Luke-Tali spinoff, either Interreligious Marriage: It Could Happen to You! or Dancing Your Ass Off with a Married Couple. Regardless, I’ll keep you posted on whether the show gets renewed or picked up by Oxygen. Luke and Tali forevs!!1
Oh, More to Love. How I’ll miss you. I owe my fat people jokes and screen capture skills to you.
